I would like to express how very very much Maid in Manhattan sucked. But there are not words. However much you might think it would suck, it sucked ten times more than that.

1. Sexy Ralph Fiennes plays a Republican. Eww.

2. A Republican!

3. J. Lo looks like utter crap in her big Cinderella scene. She wears this hideous shiny peach colored lipstick and matching hideous pink dress that sort of mashes down her boobs so that they squirt halfway out the top. She has her hair pulled back so tight she can hardly blink, and somebody covered every inch of her with bronzer except, oddly for the area around her eyes and the bridge of her nose. So she looks like a raccoon in reverse.

4. Egregious product placement includes lascivious description of Harry Winston necklace, pathological devotion to white Dolce & Gabbana coat, compassionately conservative GOP love interest.

4a. In international news, the wife of the president of Syria wore the same D&G coat when she and her husband visited Tony Blair in London. Looks cute.

5. At no point does this movie ever acknowledge that it actually isn't very nice to borrow other people's stuff without asking.

6. Fat black lady dancing = comedy.