Everyone is ending the year by making lists of the Top Ten Films Of 2003. Well, I really don't have that kind of energy and insight this year, so instead I give you...

The Top Three Music Videos We Saw On TV When Sascha Was Home With The Flu.

3. Electric Six, Danger! High Voltage! I mean, really. Light-up boobies. And penises. Including a moose penis! But who is that frightening blond woman? And why does she sound so much like Jack White?

2. Junior Senior, Move Your Feet. I particularly like the big happy grins, and the part when Junior takes off his shirt and it gets caught on his head for a second. Watching this makes me want to make some animation, one pixel at a time. Oh yeah, and this video has a Darth Vader reference, which, as you know, makes it irresistable to me. But why is that squirrel so mean?

1. The White Stripes, The Hardest Button to Button. Meg White plays the kick-drum on the PATH train. And wags her head back and forth. With her hands on her hips. And her drumsticks in her mouth. And by the way, how funny is Jack's police photo?!

And an honorable mention to Alexis Bledel for attempting to shed her goody-two-shoes image in She's Gonna Break Soon. Oh, and the reason this sounds so much like a Green Day song is that Rob Cavallo produced it.

Happy New Year!

I saw The Return of the King last night, and it was, indeed, amazing. I am not going to harp on the strangeness of the softcore gay laughing orgy that followed Sam and Frodo's terribly romantic moment on the rock in the middle of the flowing lava and explosions and whatnot. And I'm not going to complain too much about Sam's pathetic attempt to assert his heterosexuality by marrying some floozy bartender when he should have been following Frodo off to the West with a cock ring and a twelve-pack of condoms in his pocket.

And I'm not going to write a letter to the New York Times about the horrendous sexism of this review, which is totally in keeping with their current trend towards retro misogyny. No, the fact that a woman wrote it does not make it okay.

Here's my main question: What does it mean that Gollum almost attained redemption in the second film, but then, well, just didn't? What are we supposed to learn from that? And how come Gollum gets burnt up in molten lava, but Frodo gets to go off to happy elf-land, even though when push came to shove they were both fighting over the ring, and either one of them would have kept it if they could?

While you're answering that one for me, here is a short list of my favorite things about this movie. I am going to watch it again, and I will probably come up with more.

1. The Steward of Gondor. There's nothing like a good Shakespearean-type madman, and also the part where he is eating and Pippin is singing and the army is riding off to their inevitable death was so heartbreaking and perfect.

2. Sam and Frodo's unspoken love. Hot.

3. I was very impressed by the special effects, especially the Evil Elephants and various shots of buildings falling apart which reminded me of this short film on pleix.net.

Things you should know about being married

You will start fighting almost immediately upon your return to normal life. Other married people will tell you, "Oh yes, we fought for the first X years too!" The value of X will range from 1 to 16. I mentioned this to one of my coworkers, and the next time I saw him, he winked and made a shooting motion with his finger and said "oh yeah, one to sixteen." That sounds like something you'd have tattooed on your arm in prison.

You will still get crushes on people, oh yes, and you will feel ten times worse about it than you ever did before. This will make you want to get drunk and slam your head repeatedly against the bathroom wall.

You will feel claustrophobic and frustrated and kind of let down because your ring didn't turn out to be a magic ring. It doesn't let you fly or turn invisible or not be irritated by stupid little things anymore.

Sometimes you won't feel married, and you'll find that disturbing.

Your husband (or wife) will have a much less angst-ridden time of it, and that will make you feel really guilty too.

Oh, Sascha, I love you.

(That's my sister Rory, not Rory Gilmore. Yes, that's confusing. I am very sorry.)

Hey, Rory has a blog!

The five most upsetting words in the English language:

Nobody's
Fault
But
Your
Own

Oh Mike Toole...

You dissed my dear friend Rebecca, yet your blog charms and intrigues me so. I'm sorry that your uncle Hank is a racist, and I'm delighted by your asthmatic doctor's quick-talking ways. Why can't we all just get along?